"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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