I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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