Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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