Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
