Me. At least after what I've been through.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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