I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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