WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
