Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
