she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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