I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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