The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
