My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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