If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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