Betty ford says i'm here all night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
