Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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