i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
