My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
