I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
