If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
This is my gift to your gina
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
