these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
