Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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