I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
