you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
