Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
