i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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