Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
