I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
