the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
