So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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