I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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