Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When are your genitals available?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
