Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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