you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
