I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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