I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
