I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
