that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
