you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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