i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was born a porn star she said
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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