I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
