Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
