we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
