before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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