You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
