Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
