oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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