we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
