Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
