I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize