Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
