My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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