Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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