Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
