Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
