you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
