Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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