Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
