Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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