How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
