3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
