My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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